I sleepwalked right off a fucking cliff.
And landed on my fucking feet.
Hello world, you made a mistake fucking me over. I’m off to do some great things.
I’ll force the beauty of life out with my fists and my smile.
I’m going to make every day memorable and worthwhile.
Shotgunning PBRs in my bed with a combat knife
And in a dark room I wear my sunglasses
I remember being foolish enough to believe you could be my wife
And with silence my heart collapses
But it will heal, and I’ll be fine.
It would be nice to know you cared
Or that you still would like to be mine
This time though I’m not scared.
Father, I plead in waves so I don’t need you like I used to
Fear and nostalgia say I don’t have it anymore
Whatever you want
Whatever you need
Bleed from me
Right from me
Bleed from me
I don’t have yours or mine
I don’t hurt you like I used to
Amy, you must be tired cause when you sleep, you sleep alone
And understand the throne
cause if he didn’t pay what he had paid I’d undeniably become erased
So whatever you want
Take whatever you need
And bite your veins
Bleed your pain
Goddamn I’m tired of lying
I wish I loved you like I used to
So hold on, you pale black eye
cause when I sleep, I sleep alone
So whatever you want
No, whatever you need
Take from me
Right from me
On the morning after the sixth night alone..he didn’t reach for her for the first time.
I’ve always valued your understanding of my being a failed writer. You were always very sweet about it.
I enjoyed last night. Sucks ya know… Had a lot of hopes for New Years Eve. Had a lot of hope for all of this. Kind of lost hope. I had weird dreams last night, one I was on a sinking ship. Terrifying but thrilling. I survived and I felt alive and swam for the shore. The other was a nerdy nightmare. Populated with images of Hawaii, zombies, floods, friends screwing me over, being trapped, fighting through all of it and having to use cunning to escape. I’m always caught again though. Haven’t really put it to paper, but I’ve had these sort of dreams a lot.
Wish people would just let me start new. Not let their preconcepted notions of what my thoughts are or my actions represent. I burn brightly for people, I’m a lot less rough at the edges when you get to know me. People tell me that I can open up to them, bleed all of this out and let love stitch me back together. But…I am a complicated man, and I trust rarely… There’s a lot inside of me…a lot I exposed to Nikol. I guess she still sees some good in me.
…I guess…I did bleed out my anxieties, my fear, my cowardice…I guess she did stitch me back up. I’m..proud of myself again. Plus..I must admit I’m much more tolerable in small doses. Girls chug me like cough syrup and wonder why they get sick.
I’m going to turn this into a book. A book about love, sex, and pizza. Regret and desire. About a man forced to stop and finally make a decision to accept his fate. This is a about a late bloomer.
On the morning after the sixth night alone..I didn’t reach for her for the first time.
I wish I had the day off. Even if I spend it alone I would love to crack open this bottle and dive into this book. I’ve been looking good lately..need a haircut though. Red and black should look good. Oh..in case you’ve never seen me. I have a mohawk. Pretty much always have. Got in trouble because I studied the hair guidelines in the Navy to give myself a mohawk. Fascists.
This year…will be the best I’ve ever had. I know it.
I still get upset, and plagued with selfish desire..but it’s a lot less frequent, and much shorter. I also push negative thoughts out of my head. One way I do is to focus hard on everything around me. Not get so caught up in what I was doing or thinking and letting my mind roam free to what else needs thought of or done. Got me through work yesterday, and I bought everyone Red Bulls and led the way to another easy night brought to you by yours truly. I’m dominating work, and concentrating hard on that. I’ve got Vegas in the future and no matter how hard dough tossing makes me blush sometimes… it’s something isn’t it?
Work sucked. Being without Nikol has actually made me sick..I mean it. Her lack of body heat these cold nights has caused me to catch a cold. I’m mentally preparing for Night seven alone..She said she’s coming, but…she’s said that a few times lately and I’d rather not be sad.
So I’ll write, listen to music, and smoke weed. If she shows up cool, but…I can’t get too emotionally invested if she doesn’t. If she isn’t going to show up, I’ll know because I won’t know. That’s how things are now.
It’s dark in here. I’m smoking and listening to Alkaline Trio. I feel…I don’t know how I feel. Sad I guess. Lonelier than I’ve ever felt. It wasn’t supposed to be this way..but I guess it had to be. My heart hurts now…I’m not angry..I’m not emotional. I’m just hurting. Each day, it hurts a different way, but each day I stitch something up. Each day I lose a little more hope..but each day I care a little less about hope, and just experience.
Things…are probably never going to be the same between us. The distance she set, I don’t think it was to make her love me more or not look at me without love..but to step away, and as she fades out of love herself. She forces mine to fade with her. I hope this is not the case. Sadly..I would understand if it was. Hopeful me thinks this is good, a whole week apart..maybe she did miss me, maybe she isn’t just ignoring every single call or text or turning her phone off when she gets to Johns house. Maybe she still loves me just as much, and this has just been a week of her celebrating life and that it means she’s happy again.
I don’t know. I’m happy she’s happy, but I feel so left out. Not from a physical part of our relationship, as there needed to be physical distance between us, and there does. I need to make more friends, go out more, train more, and work harder, so I can really enjoy Nikols company. We used to be pretty busy with contrasting schedules, meeting up for five minutes to kiss before work. I miss that. Kissing her because I won’t see her until a day later. Missing her so. But..I have to be wary don’t I? Should I?
I suppose. I suppose it comes down to patience, which I am seeming to find, and am grateful for.
Lets talk about young me okay? Let’s get away from Nikol for a little bit..she’s certainly gotten away from you..
My father was an alcoholic, but a good human being and while I will not make excuses for his actions…I need to judge him a little less. I was born of a broken man, but I’m not a broken man. His mother was an alcoholic and abusive, and his father as hell, and pretty sure their fathers too. I need to be watchful of where my mind goes when I drink. I refuse to let their drinking problems interfere with how I drink..but..I can get a little sad. I can drink heavily…and during the time Nikol saw what a monster I was I was drinking way too much. Way too fast.
Jesus…why did I even flip out? Why was I so jealous? Her not sleeping with me because she felt comfortable in this relationship caused me to get that bad? How fucking juvenile was I? It feels so long ago..but I imagine it’s still fresh in her mind.
That’s one of the things I feel shittiest about. I really loathe that I was stupid and immature enough to do that. God..She’s not coming back tonight…and I don’t blame her. Night seven will be written of. As I imagine this is our goodbye.
What do I do if this is goodbye? If she’s gone for real? I could keep working at Andolinis, do well, be a social person, go out, be a good roomie..but.. I don’t know. That might be it for Tulsa for me. This place.. I don’t know. I don’t think I can do another year starting out alone.
I love you so much..why are you doing it this way? You know, you worry that I’m thinking about you too much.. well it’s kind of hard when you do things like promise to come home and then ignore my calls, then promise to be there when I wake, and when I opened my eyes saw nothing. I wasn’t upset you weren’t there. It’s a shitty feeling when your partner ignores you. Fuck a little “I’m going to be busy all night I’ll call you before bed” would pretty much solve all these problems. I know you hate to seem trapped or rulebound but I’m not like that anymore.
I just don’t know if you love me love me anymore. Or if you’re staying out all night because you don’t miss me and want distance. I don’t know. I’ll be patient I promise, and I’ll be understanding. That’s a promise to myself. I owe you that, to be patient and understanding of whatever you do.
11:32 PM 1/1/13 “Faith Nicholas faith. She’s going to walk through that door and shoot yout hat beautiful smile and you are going to smile back because you are so truly happy to see her that your very soul lights up” I’m noticing an increase in positive thinking.
I just texted her something sweet. When she comes, I don’t want to talk about the relationship really..or wonder what she did..No, old me would be happy to capture her attention for that moment, and appreciate it. And show her I appreciated it.
I can’t believe I did this to us, I can’t believe I put the blame on others when it lies squarely on my shoulders. And I will finally shoulder this blame, and I will let it run over me, and I will accept it, and it will drop to my feet and I will step away. I have no time to focus on the past, just the present. The future will happen regardless so now, in this moment I have to concentrate.
I wish she would make up her mind..biggest reason? No fucking clue what kind of music to listen to. Sad music makes my hopeful side sad, hopeful music makes my sad side confused…fuck.
He burned the flowers she gave him in the sink for warmth because her coldness left him shivering.
I’m not worried about relapsing into my Irish ways if things do work out. Her living close would allow me to see her often, but we can both have the places we always wanted and sort our lives out.
I’m so sorry I waited until it was too late to change.
Angry thoughts popped up, and I thought about it. If I’m angry at her for something she hasn’t done yet…then I’m doing what I’m begging the world not to. Jumping to conclusions. Have to remember that.
Aaaand, she texted me back. Knew being positive and trusting would pay off…and it really does. I like this.
Well, she never came back. Maybe see her tonight. Eh. Seven nights alone. Need a smoke.
Had to leave work..too sick. Talked to Nikol. She never came by, she was at Johns. She was…as I expected, still defensive. She told me she didn’t want to hang out with me or see me at all and I just wanted to scream “I KNOW AND IM NOT BLAMING YOU!” Just have to try harder. she was right..I did blow up her phone this past week, but to be fair to myself. She has also made plans to hang out with me quite a bit and then ignored me.
So here I sit, sick and alone. Could be worse. LOL at people thinking I can’t enjoy myself without them. It’s been refreshing really. I’ve had a lot of self realizations. A) I’m a good person B) everything is okay C) whatever happens happens and if she is cutting you out, doesn’t miss or love you anymore than at the very least you can say “I started it, but I didn’t finish it and I gave it my all at the end” And that will be good enough.
Now diary, I realize you’re probably sick of hearing about Nikol, but I promised myself..to not bring up any problems I have to her. To enjoy her company, and let myself be wrapped in her warmth and hope her lips find mine soon and my fingertips find her hair. Also…It’s important to write down all my thoughts about her..this… for self analysis.
I’m a writer…and it’s been a few years since I’ve really written and I believe it’s had a negative impact on my life. My thoughts don’t make much sense until I put them down on paper. It forces me to confront each thought, to process it, to work through it.
Though…maybe I’m not miserable because I have writers block…maybe I have writers block because to truly write, it requires you to be honest of yourself. And I haven’t. I haven’t been honest to myself. Horrible visions plagued my thoughts of my love, causing my compassion to turn to ash.
Now..I’m not sorry about all of this in one way. I needed this. I needed her to abandon me, so I truly know what being abandoned feels like. There are a couple girls right now, who sense my loneliness and tell me they want to take care of me..but that’s not it… I don’t want anyone to take care of me anymore. That’s not what I want as a partner, I want to take care of myself.
Women have always thrown themselves at me, begged for my adoration, my love, my attention. They have paid attention to my body, my sexual gratification magnified by the attention.
But…it seems they have only loved fragmented parts of me, never the whole thing. Nikol did…can’t intrude on her desires anymore. Won’t text, won’t call. Won’t worry, won’t imagine, just..whatever happens. It will. I just pray I’m not forgotten but…even that too…I could abide.
Death has always terrified me I guess…Even though I welcomed it..I thought about suicide a lot. A LOT. Always thought I would, I considered it the other night. The night she walked out. I wrote a note..and it looked so pathetic. That is not how I want to leave this world. In some ways I thought it my only choice. My only way to say fuck you to everyone. But…everyones not so bad. Everythings not so bad.
I feel like I’ve crawled out of a well, and everythings new. I imagine I’ll trip and dip my foot in every now and then. I just have to accept that it happens to everyone, and that it’s silly to internalize slip ups so badly. My heart is free…so is my mind. It feels good.
I’m Nicholas Sean Osborn. I’m a decent writer, I can cook, I’m well read, I’m well travelled and I’m well endowed. I can shoulder throw you using judo, slam a knee into your jaw using a muay thai plum. I can break your arm off my back using BJJ and my left hook right uppercut from boxing is quite pretty. . I need to train more, release tension and anger the right way. With Nate moving in that will change. Constant sparring, study, and practice. Excited about this. Hope Nikol doesn’t leave, I love rolling with her. Would really love to get back to teaching her, she shows great promise in submission grappling.
So, I felt insecure around…everyone. Excluded, separated, alone. My friends I realize always reached out to me, but I never accepted it. I placed too much in one person..Laziness really. Making Nikol my everything the way I did as opposed to the way she is was almost just a matter of convenience. I swallowed her whole, but I never digested. But..the saddest part of this..is that…Right now I want to recieve her love for the right reasons.
I suppose it might be from being the child of an alcoholic.. Adult Children of Alcoholics has been an incredibly helpful book. My fathers behavior made me never feel good enough. The only time I’ve ever yelled at my father I screamed “I did my fucking best and you never care”. My childhood greatly impacted my social life, it impacted my schoolwork, but…for years it drove me to have a passionate sense of individuality and self expression through rebellion. I suppose the rebellion in me died….and apathy replaced compassion.
I can tell a pretty damn good story, and I’ve been to some interesting places in this world. I love truly, and passionately, but never myself and I realize what a mistake that is. I realize my confidence is not false, that I have reason to be confident.
10:00 I’m coughing like I have pneumonia. God…how fucking tragic of a story would that be. A mans fiance leaves, and due to her lack of body warmth he freezes to death slowly, but figures out how he’s going to fix everything, and she reads it after he dies..
Started writing that. Eli is going to help me publish it when I’m done. Too stoned for it now, probably drink the wine tomorrow night and put it to paper. Going to hide my phone when I do. I have a good idea, and how to write it..just need to be a bit more awake. Plus, tonight I’m not calling or texting her…so maybe she’ll see I really changed.
I want to call her now, or text her but I won’t. I told her I wouldn’t. I’d have no ground to stand on if I do. It would mean I was breaking my promises as well and I’m done breaking promises. I’m scared to think happy thoughts about her though…that’s what it is. I’m scared to be excited for our newfound relationship…because I won’t really know anything until I give Nikol her space. I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do..but I’m making good time.
Really want to call her, dying to hear her voice. Won’t. Won’t think negative thoughts. I miss you darling. It’s midnight, she’s not calling or coming. Night eight…it’s okay. If this is what she wants, than I will abide. I wonder if she even misses me. Her tone hurt, what she said hurt. It cut so deep. I’m not..I didn’t do… I’ve been good. I’ve changed. I’ve made that clear in so many ways. I just…I need to accept this is over. That Nikol has moved on. It’s going to hurt Nicholas. Just…try and forget her. She’s forgotten about you. I would die of happiness if she walked through that door right now. So I guess…I never know if it’s going to be goodbye with you. I need a sign.. Falling asleep without you is hard already. Falling asleep without even a phone call to say goodnight….makes it so much harder. If this isn’t over, and you still love with me..why doesn’t it feel like it?
This is the hard part. The darkness, the lateness. The realization she’s not coming back. I wouldn’t bet on her contacting me at all tomorrow. I’ve just given her what she wanted, and cut myself completely out of her life. So I can stay here and safeguard her things.
Negative thoughts at night have to stop. I just need to reignite the intimacy.
Why don’t you love me anymore? Why aren’t you in love with me? This was supposed to make everything better for us…and you haven’t even given me a chance. Everything I’ve shown lately…I’ve been perfectly accepting and understanding but still I can’t even get a goodnight.
On the ninth morning I called her about rent and went to voicemail. Not sure how I’m going to pay rent today, really hope I don’t get evicted.
Its nightfall..almost ten days. Miss her. Hope she’s missing me…won’t hold my breath. I’m not going to be angry, or emotional about any of this. That’s how they paint you, as some crazy person…but I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sane and..I feel so much better..she knows it…it’s easier to demonize me when you’re not speaking to me than it is when you’re around me.
She’s not the first to cut me out this way…and won’t be the last I’m sure. If she loves me…then fuck yeah. Life is rad. If not..I just have to accept it..and move on. I love her so deeply, but I’m not being immature or irrational about this. It’s the other way around and it’s not fair.
When this all started I was angry, I was hurt and confused. Then I got inspired and I felt good. I felt like things were going to work out. Now I just feel lost. Shitty christmas…shitty new year. Fucked up thing to do around the holidays. Found the dog. She doesn’t care…I keep thinking I hear her walk through the door…or the car I gabe her pull up. I knew this would happen as soon as my car became legal.
..I’ve never actually had relationship trouble.. never been through this..never wanted to stick around when things got tough..but..
I just realized..I’m so awesome I can’t even talk about myself on the internet because people won’t believe me…Like a fucking boss.
I’m not stressing this anymore. If she’s doing this for selfish fucked up reasons, that makes her a terrible fucking person.. one unworthy of my love, and more importantly..one unworthy of my respect. She came back once, and I freaked out then and had no faith..how ironic that when I do have faith..that is the time she doesn’t come back.
I have a big life to live and I have more talent and dreams than any of these people, I’ve seen more, I’ve done more. From now on I will consider myself lucky to be around my friends, as they should consider themselves lucky to be around me.
Either I offer her what she wishes as a partner, romantically and sexually or I do not. I think I do, but as I’ve been fond of saying as of late “Thinking and knowing are different things” I can’t ask more of myself, I can’t ask more of her. I can merely be, and that is good enough for me. Good enough for her? Perhaps, but..I’m good enough for me and that’s all that matters in my life.